The Truth of Midlife & What You Can Do About It
You know how Gloria Steinem said, “the truth will set you free but first it’s going to piss you off?” Well, midlife is the truth. And if you can figure out how to hear her, she will set you free.
My midlife unraveling included what, at the time, I would have defined as a spiritual and professional crisis but see now as midlife deconstruction, what Carl Jung calls the midlife “inner journey” and John of the Cross named “the dark night of the soul.”
From the outside, I appeared to be living the modern woman’s dream: bustling career, business owner earning the badge of Best Places to Work in our city, successful and handsome husband who was serving as a leader in our church community, with two adorable kids and three dogs in our custom-built lovely home. But below the surface, I was beaten-down and broken-hearted. I lost my true self in the dark side of this hollowed out a life where I quit living with the kind of intention it takes to design a whole life you love, the one you really want to live, the one you were created for.
Once I stopped avoiding that subtle whisper asking me if this was really what I was going to make of my life and made space for the deeper, more expansive conversations with myself, I realized that my greatest obstacle was very simply me. This is the truth midlife has to offer.
As a coach, I hear again and again, this same deep longing inside my clients for something more. From the C-Suite to the visual artist to the social justice activist, there is a desire for an undefinable “more.” But not the shallow more of our early adult lives — promotions, money, notches on the belt, accolades and titles — but more meaning, more love, more freedom, more of the capital “S” Something that you’re not even sure you can define.
“I now see that cultivating a wholehearted life is not like trying to reach a destination. It’s like walking toward a star in the sky. We never really arrive, but we certainly know we are headed in the right direction.”
-Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Those clients are the brave ones staring life in the face and daring to cross this terrain from a vague sense of confusion, ambiguity and stuck-ness toward a life defined by values and purpose with measurables like margin, earnings reports on meaningful relationships and longterm goals like creating a legacy that will impact your great grandchildren.
So, how do we get from this truth to freedom? How do we overcome the angst of “is this all there is?” How do we answer the question, am I living the life I want to live? Making the most meaningful contribution I can make? How do we make room for the questions past our conscious thinking? How do speak the words of the soul? How can we know if we have the courage to be transformed? Or say goodbye to the false self we worked so very hard to create who has been successful and done important work?
We simply start. Let’s admit together, nothing with the nickname, “the dark night of the soul” is going to be easy. And there’s not a fork in the road, more like a maze. And you’re not going to know what’s on the other side, until you take a first step. Choosing this path does not move you away from pain or obstacles. Sometimes, it moves you right into the fire for the very refining you need to build the life you want. But this time, you’re choosing it.
There is no ten step plan to lead you from here to there, but here are four small ways you can begin to move the needle from this ambiguous longing to a deeper understanding of the life you want to create.
Simply Notice. Awareness is a critical first step in your journey toward the capital “S” Something more. This requires contact with the present moment. I’m in a meeting. Instead of using the vacant moments to check your email or scroll on Facebook, ask your Self: What’s it like for me to be in this room? With these people? Then later, I’m at home. How do I arrive when I walk in the door? What is the feeling in my body as I transition from work to family or solitude? Maybe it’s the weekend. What would I enjoy? What do I need?
Stay Curious. Follow your curiosity and let it take you somewhere new. Don’t overthink it. Don’t judge it. Don’t sabotage it. Just follow it.
Gather Resources. What do you need that you don’t have to get where you want to go? Life Coach. Therapist. Physical Trainer. Mentor. Friend. Books. Video Content. Time away for deep thinking. A class. A journal. Again, don’t overthink it. Let it be an experiment. Not loving the book. Stop reading it. Not feeling chemistry with a person. Stop seeing them. Experiment. Freedom.
Be Gentle with Your Self. Maya Angelou says, “When you know better, you do better.” This also presumes that before you know better you do not do better. There is always a before. As I heard said recently, we never scald our two-year-old when they fall down trying to walk. Instead, we gently pick them up, put them back on their feet and with giddy delight say, “OK! Try again.”